Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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