She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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