this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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