my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Your cock deserves a montage
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
