Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize