I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
