his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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