I wish I only lived at night.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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