my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
