this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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