I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
