i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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