this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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