what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
