We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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