I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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