everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
