Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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