She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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