I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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