theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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