Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
my nose is crying tears of wow.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
