Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
