Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
