Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
