so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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