God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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