youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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