I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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