just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
