For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she smelled like a LAN party
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
