Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize