New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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