YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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