I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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