it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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