I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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