i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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