remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
