My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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