Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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