she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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