If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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