he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
