So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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