i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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