Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
