My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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