Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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