Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
