Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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