Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
