i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
