I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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