You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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