soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
