I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
