I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
