gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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