I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
