i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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