I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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